Remember back in health class, when they taught us about boundaries, consent and how many nerve endings are in the clitoris? Of course you don’t, because it didn’t happen. In fact, sex education is still severely lacking in much of the U.S. For better or for worse, that means that those of us in adult retail often end up being de facto sex educators. We’re also guidance counselors, sharing information and support with people who trust us with the intimate details of their lives. Let’s look at how we got this job, and how we can execute our responsibilities in ways that help us help our customers.
Politics and Sex Ed: A Bad Match
My approach is simple: Make people feel welcome and comfortable.
Sex ed policies and programs are largely determined by state and local lawmakers, and therefore vary widely in content and quality. While 39 states and the District of Columbia require sex and/or HIV education, fewer than half mandate that the information provided is medically accurate! More states emphasize abstinence than ensure factual instruction, and only a fraction of high schools and middle schools teach the CDC’s essential sexual health topics. LGBTQ+ inclusivity also varies widely, with just 10 states requiring affirming discussions, while six southern states actively prohibit or negatively frame LGBTQ+ content. Political agendas frequently interfere with sex education, resulting in restrictive policies that limit access to accurate sexual and reproductive health information.
As a result, facts that we in the biz consider common knowledge are unfortunately not so common among folks who were never taught about them — or who were even shamed for asking healthy questions. Most people who walk into your store are eager to learn more about how to please themselves and their partners, but for those who were never given the information they need, that assignment can seem overwhelming. Add to that the societal shame placed on us for having “too much” sex or “not enough” sex, and it’s no wonder folks have trouble even talking about it.
Creating a Safe Space for Exploration
When I began my career in the pleasure industry, I made it a point to give a friendly greeting to everyone who walked into the store where I worked. This was in 2003, however, and things were very different back then. Believe it or not, my manager reprimanded me for my cheerful approach.
“People just want to come in, get what they want and leave,” he admonished me.
I had his job within a year.
My approach is simple: Make people feel welcome and comfortable. For me, that has always meant leading with humor and compassion. When chatting with someone in the store, if I pick up on shy or embarrassed vibes, it is my role as the professional to reassure them. I emphasize that they are already winning for wanting to know more, and that they are courageous just for being there and having the conversation.
Empathetically remind your nervous guests that it’s not their fault that no one taught them the things they don’t know. Plus, with studies on sex and pleasure revealing new information all the time, it is easy for anyone to become overwhelmed. After all, until recently, many of us still didn’t know how many nerve endings the clitoris contains. It’s over 10,000, but a lot of people, including me, were sharing the wrong number because we were quoting a figure provided from a study on cows. So now you know that a cow has a clitoris, and it has far fewer nerve fibers than the human clitoris. You’re welcome.
One of my favorite customer memories is about a widow who came into the store I was managing. She was around 65 and had just started seeing a new man, something she had never expected to happen. However, this new partner was exciting for her and had given her something she had never received from her dearly departed husband: an orgasm. She was clearly nervous sharing this with me. When I replied with, “Oh, many women spend a long time being pre-orgasmic,” her eyes met mine and I swear I watched her entire body relax. I shared that the majority of women don’t experience an orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, and she interrupted enthusiastically to tell me she was among the majority — but had always thought something was wrong with her.
Learning about that statistic helped her feel comfortable enough to open up more, discuss the sensations she was seeking and sample some of the new rechargeable and body-safe products we had just started selling. This was 20 years ago, so those things were still novelties to most people. She giggled through some of my spiel, then thanked me profusely for my patience and made a purchase. A month or so later, she walked back into the store and sought me out to thank me.
Knowledge Gaps and Misconceptions
When people don’t receive sufficient sex education, they can end up with a very patchy and incomplete understanding of sexual matters. I have encountered many heterosexual cisgender male customers who were unduly preoccupied with penis size or endurance, believing they needed a bigger penis or to be able to perform for a longer time. Once those men learn that the average penis is 5-6 inches long, that most men reach orgasm in under six minutes and that sex doesn’t only mean penetration, they begin to feel less ashamed, more reassured and more open to trying a C-ring or purchasing a book on the art of cunnilingus.
Women have just as many gaps and misconceptions. In fact, back in my early days in the business, we devoted entire events to women. We would not allow men inside, including employees, and we would often have a vendor or sex educator come in to address anything the women in attendance wanted to talk about. At the end of the night, I would always make a last call for any lingering questions — and those questions were inevitably about anal sex. I was happy to help, of course. Some women back in Pennsylvania would probably still refer to me as “Anal Kim,” and it’s a name I wear proudly.
Tips for Making Your Store a Welcoming Environment
As we’ve now established, many folks who come into your store are not just there to buy, but also to learn. Here are some simple ways to help put people at ease so that they will feel comfortable asking questions and exploring everything you have to offer:
- Make your shopping areas as accessible as possible and easy to navigate for all body types, genders and orientations.
- Practice gender-inclusive language. Offer your own pronouns before inquiring about others’ and politely correct people if they misgender you or someone else.
- Don’t hesitate to set and enforce your own boundaries. When we demonstrate who we are, we inspire others to do the same.
- Offer in-store workshops and get your store involved with local community events, fundraisers for charitable organizations, Pride events, etc. Showing up as supportive community members helps us make connections with those who may not otherwise encounter our message.
- Follow sex-positive educators and influencers, especially those who don’t look or sound like you. Feed your curiosity with books, podcasts, movies and trustworthy sources that help you feel more empowered on your own pleasure journey, so you can confidently share with others who may not know where to start.
My ex-manager thought folks did not want to be seen in a store like ours, and undoubtedly that is still the case with some folks. But the majority of today’s customers browsing your walls and shelves want exactly that: to be seen, to be heard — and most importantly, to be afforded the opportunity to ask questions about things they were never taught in school. They want answers, guidance and validation. If you can provide those things, you can be sure they will keep coming back.
Remember: The impact you make on an individual in your store goes home with them. Make that impact as positive as you can, and we just might be able to change the world — one sex toy at a time.
Kimberly Scott Faubel ventured into an adult store in 2003, submitted a job application and has never looked back. When she isn’t busy writing, helping stray cats, improvising and cooking, Faubel is the B2B sales director for the brands b-Vibe, The Cowgirl and Le Wand at COTR, Inc.
