Xcalibur 3: The Lords of Sex

This is a three-hour pastiche of Arthurian legends run through a Cuisinart and mixed liberally with sex. After four minutes of credits and a few minutes of breathlessly narrated recap of the first two parts of the Xcalibur epic — complete with excerpts of sex scenes — this volume starts as the sword in question is being thrust into a rock.

The winner of a joust will get a chance to pull the sword from the stone, but ol’ Arthur beats ‘em all to it — you know the drill. Evil Morgane, sitting on a medieval throne with an Egyptian looking headdress and two studboys munching on her thighs, listens to Merlin tell her how to vanquish Arthur before she dismisses him and gets horizontal with the studboys. A warning at a banquet is followed by an all-comers orgy sequence.

A confrontation between King Arthur and Lancelot is followed by a threesome between Merlin and two magician’s helpers, who make his salami disappear. Arthur marries Guenievre, Morgane wishes them well, eyes aflame, as they head off to the bridal chamber. Then Guenievre runs off and does the same with Lancelot. Busy girl.

The last surviving knight (as darkness and pestilence overtake the land) gets a peek at the Grail, in the hands of a naked chick, natch, and then he goes to the convent where Guenievre has the sword, leading to a final confrontation between Arthur and Morgane and their armies.

Excellent production values — except for the occasional overlit night scene and poorly dubbed dialogue — with luminous videography of surgically unaltered performers.

Director: Pierre Woodman

Cast: Veronica De Souza, Roxy Panther, Kathy Anderson, Claudia Adams, Katka Redil, Kristie Elliot, Sunny Jay, Wildy, Marsha Lord, Petra Stingrey, Morgan Moon, Hannah, more.