Secret Affairs

As we learned from “Twin Peaks,” Canada boasts a long rich tradition of slutty goodness. But “Secret Affairs” by Montreal-based Next Door Studios wasn’t directed by David Lynch. But we are graced by the minds of not one, but three directors: Kenzie Taylor, Conrad Parker and Walden Woods.

The film opens with straight bro Carter Woods complaining that his girlfriend cancelled on a date. He goes on and on about how this gal gives the best head. Au contraire, asserts the very obviously not-straight Nico Coopa, who is seductively sucking on a popsicle: guys give the best head. They go back-and-forth on the issue as that wily Nico challenges Carter to accept a blow job.

The clincher is when Nico deep throats a banana and Carter throws caution into the wind. Nico doesn’t disappoint and sucks Carter’s pecker as if it contained the Elixir of Eternal Life. Carter is apparently convinced of the joys of gay sex because he then returns the favor by sucking Nico’s dick and then fucking his ass and even allowing Nico to flip fuck him! They blow loads on each other’s junk while swordfighting.

David Sylar and Jim Fit are up next as mechanics in an auto body shop. Supervisor Jim walks over and complains about David’s “sloppy rim jobs.” David shows Jim just how sloppy he can be by slurping on the latter’s hole, which is already gaping at the outset. David fucks Jim on a stack of tires until they both blow their loads.

Then, Michael Boston is confessing an affair to his husband. Michael explains that he takes their vows seriously but simply couldn’t resist his buff hairy neighbor Joseph Castlian. Hard to blame him. Michael relays in a flashback how Joseph knocked on Michael’s door one day and they started making out without saying a word. They quickly dive into desecrating Michael’s marital home by sucking and fucking on the living room sofa. The manly Joseph bottoms first, then they flip a few times until Joseph busts while Michael fucks him. Michael finishes by splattering his maple syrup all over Joseph too.

After, Johnny Ford is a firefighter responding to a “Code 69,” which is a man in danger. Johnny carries a singed Alex Tate back to the firehouse locker room (not a hospital?) and listens to Alex’s heartbeat through a stethoscope before giving him the all-clear. They exchange zany dialogue before plugging Alex’s trap with Johnny’s cock. Johnny tops Alex on a bench, first doggy then missionary position. Alex cums while getting fucked, and Johnny blows his load on Alex before responding to another emergency call.